My Room (1.6)
- Angus the Cook: Who's complaining about the eggs?
- Rube: Oh, no complaints, just observations.
- Angus the Cook: Such as?
- Rube: The eggs are not good. Its normally a moot point at the a la carte price of $2.95. I love eggs. I love 'em fried, scrambled, soft-boiled, florentine. These I didn't like. So who do we blame - the hen or the cook?
- [Angus has a very sour look]
- Rube: Let's blame the hen.
- [Angus walks away]
- Rube: He's a nice guy.
- [The bowling team picks up George and cheers after she wins the game]
- George: [voiceover] I felt something I had never felt before - a hand on my ass. Who the hell was cupping my ass? Probably that perv from I.S. [Looks at Delores] Oh God, I hope it was that perv from I.S. I also felt something else... that in some strange undead way, I was alive. I was flying.
Reaping Havoc (1.5)
- Rube: You don't mess with fate, Peanut. People die when they are meant to die. There's no discussion. There's no negotiation. When life's done, it's done. You of all people should know that.
- George: Why do I keep losing all the things and people that I care about?
- Rube: That's what life is, Peanut.
- George: I was just calling you, to see if there was anything I could do to help.
- George: [voiceover] I became aware of the words only after they left my mouth.
- Dolores: I like the way you show initiative, Millie. I like it a lot. I'd better watch my back, pretty soon you'll have my job.
- George: Only after you get a promotion.
- Dolores: Oh.
- George: [voiceover] I felt dirty.
- Mason: I feel like I've been poisoned. Have you been poisoned?
- Rube: No, not on purpose. I had some bad salmon once. I don't touch the stuff anymore.
- Mason: Was it salmon mousse?
- Rube: I don't know. It was canned.
- [This is a reference to Monty Python's Meaning of Life where the Grim Reaper tells some snobs that they all died from eating bad salmon mousse made with canned salmon]
- Rube: You pulled the wrong piece out of the Jenga tower little girl. You know what a hiccup is?
- George: Yes.
- Rube: You got yourself a hiccup. Something happens that's not supposed to happen. System has to figure out what that something is and fix it. P. J. Monroe.
- George: I'm sorry.
- Rube: What'd you do? Slash his tires? Have him arrested?
- George: I just talked to him.
- Rube: Must have been some conversation.
- George: I guess.
- Rube: I hope it was worth it. What, you got the hots for the guy or something?
- George: No!
- Rube: What, he give you some money?
- George: No! (Looks away.)
- Rube: Help me out.
- George: I just wanted to see if I could do it?
- Rube: I need somebody to give me lessons on how to communicate with you, Peanut, cuz I'm at a loss. The coin's in the slot, the gumball's on its way, and I'm plum out of wisdom. I'd start sleeping with the lights on if I were you.
- George[voiceover]: I didn't know if that was a threat or a warning... Rube washed his hands of me. But that didn't mean I was off the hook. It only got worse. I broke the rules. The gravelings declared hunting season on my ass.
- Mason: Heed his advice, and stay on his good side. He's like a volcano, George, he erupts and he spews lava on all the little villages, they run around and, they run around for their lives. But, you know, he stops, and you can go back to the safety of your own home.
- George: Do you really care how it's going with me?
- Rube: Sure, I make my face look like this and the concerned words come out.
- George: [voice over] One desperate attempt after another to find something in common with someone else and then cling. “Hey, you have ten fingers, I have ten fingers, let's be friends. We'll make rules and slogans. Then if we find someone with nine fingers, we can beat the crap out of them.”
- George: What would happen if everybody died?
- Mason: What do you mean?
- George: Like if we were the only ones left
- Mason: Oh, like if the frogs ate everyone on the planet?
- George: Yeah.
- Mason: I reckon we'd be shoveling a lot of frog shit.
- George: So... my whole life, everything... All I get to keep are thoughts and memories?
- Rube: That's all we ever have, Peanut.
- Mason: Where's Betty?
- Roxy: Babysitting.
- Mason: I never had a babysitter.
- Roxy: It doesn't mean you didn't need one... I'm gonna get a pet bird.
- Mason: Don't get a bird.
- Roxy: Why not?
- Mason: Because they're weird. Man, I can't relate to a bird, they're so far removed and got different... chromosomes. And they come from eggs.
- Roxy: They got faces.
- Mason: So do cockroaches. ... What're you gonna do with a bird?
- Roxy: Stick it in a cage and feed it, what do you think I'm gonna do with it?
- Mason: Well I think you should at least get one you can eat.
- Roxy: I'm gonna get a friend. I'm not gonna eat my friend!
- Mason: They have brains the size of pistachios, it's not smart enough to be a friend.
- Roxy: You don't know what you're talking about. I saw this special on PBS called Animal Miracles, and they did a dramatic reenactment about a guy being robbed and he had a parrot or a cockatiel or something, and that bird lost its shit when its owner was attacked. It opened up its cage--
- Mason: Why would you put a bird in a cage if it can open the door?
- Roxy: Where else are you gonna put it?! It opened up its cage and went crazy. Pet dabbed the robber's eyes, scratched his face up like he was Tippy Hedren or some shit, and don't you tell me that's not friendship.
- Mason: How big was his parrot?
- Roxy: I don't know, parrot size.
- Mason: Well, a parrot can't take on a full grown man unless that man is a big pussy.
- Roxy: I didn't say the parrot won. The robber stabbed it with a fork and killed its owner. The bird's dead.
- Mason: So why are you getting a bird?
- Roxy: It's not about homeland security you stupid motherfucker, I'm gonna get a friend!
- Mason: Jesus.
- Roxy: You know what your problem is? You wake up every morning wondering what the world's gonna do for you, wondering who's gonna bend over backwards, kiss your ass and make you happy when you should just thank God for another day and leave it the fuck at that.
- Roxy: Sir, I'm going to say this as politely as possible. I will fuck you up.
- Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that long shot on top... that ozone smell you get from air purifiers... and I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable... Mahler's first, Bernstein conducting. You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're worth sticking around for. And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.
- George: And what if I don’t?
- Rube: Then you go away, and you don't get to like anything anymore.
- [The camera closes in on cubicle land, where a teenage girl with a dull expression listens to her headset.]
- George: [voiceover] That's me. I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you… but I'm not. I excel at not giving a shit. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation begets disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C equals A, or… whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed.
- [Cut to a guy robbing a convenience store…]
- George: [voiceover] Bad people are punished by society's law.
- [… only to find the police outside. Bad guy is shot dead. Cut to a woman, standing precariously on a picket fence to lure a treed cat with food.]
- George: [voiceover] And good people…
- Cat Woman: Who's the pretty kitty? Ooh, you are. Come on, sweetheart.
- [The woman falls off the fence. Pan down to the dead woman…]
- George: [voiceover] … are punished by Murphy's Law.
- [… then over to the cat on the ground, eating the food. Cut back to the office.]
- George: [voiceover] So you see my dilemma.
- [George is laying on her bed.]
- George: [voiceover] When I was little my mom told me Santa Claus didn't exist, neither did the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy or the Great Pumpkin. Even though she didn't say so specifically, I just sort of assumed that God didn't either.
- [As a toilet seat from the re-entering Mir station plummets through the sky, George is awkwardly moving through a city plaza.]
- George: [voiceover] They say your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the moment before you die? That might be true if you're terminally ill, or your parachute doesn't open…
- [She looks up to see the fireball heading straight for her.]
- George: [voiceover] … but if death sneaks up on you, the only thing you have time to think is…
- George: Aw, shit.
- [George, going through the 5 stages of posthumous grief, asks two mysterious people if they're angels.]
- Rube: We have the unfortunate distinction of being called… Grim Reapers.
- George: [voiceover] Number three… is bargaining.
- George: Well… then, can you take somebody else, like, uh, uh… an old person? Or… that homeless guy? I won't tell, I promise!
- [Rube looks thoughtful, then turns to Betty, who shrugs, then nods.]
- Betty: Alright.
- George: Really?!
- Betty: No.
- George: Well, I want my life back!
- Betty: It's not like you were doing anything with it.
- George: [voiceover] And then, there's depression.
- [George turns away from them and sits down on a park bench.]
- Rube: I know what might cheer you up.
- George: What?
- Rube: Your autopsy.
- [Cut to Rube and George observing a doctor working on George's remains.]
- George: [voiceover] There's something about seeing your body all empty and cold — or, in my case, in little chunks and pieces. Rube says, it's like looking at a bowl of peach cobbler you just dropped on the floor. As good as it might have been, you just don't want it anymore.
- George: I don't know what was more disturbing - Being dead or the fact that the first man to touch my naked body was the coroner.
- Rube: Well, you gotta stick around until your body's been laid to rest.
- George: I'm meat in a Zip-Lock. How much more rest do I need?
- George: So what's next? Onward and upward?
- Rube: Onward not upward. No pearly gates for you, no choirs of angels neither.
- George: You dick! You're sending me to hell?!
- Rube: Don't flatter yourself. You're not that interesting.
- George: I think for me, death was just a wake-up call.
