do not ask me why but i see it as a form of mindless activity and it is no different frm going gah gah over an idol.... both are a spiritual commitment, just that it's a different level....

i'm just harping on this fact, finding articles to support my stand... i just want to know that i'm nt alone... it's really as simple as that... i cannot stand it when people tell me that atheism is a religion... & i just have to dig out this line said by u a few centuries ago to remind myself that this is nt the first time i felt hurt....
maybe i'm just looking at the wrong direction.... somehow this just doesn't work out... to put it simply, i cannot... i repeat, i cannot understand, nor accept u...

maybe it was started a simple event of me attending an event that meant alot to u.... right, my focus was to support u... however, what was ur aim of bringing me there? to want my support? or is it something more than that? what did that action mean? so what if there was no skit? u know my stand towards god, why did u want me to see the fucking lyrics praising ur god? what did the actions before that mean? what are u trying to convince me? i don't wanna know... because i know ppl lie, i know ppl lie when they wanna salvage friendships.... to put it simply, i cannot trust u in the religious sense because i've never trusted any other christians who said that they truly wanted to help someone, because i know they don't say it.... but it's always in the name of religion, not because they just wanted to help....

she said u wanted to share... what did u want to share? haven u shared enough? i understand and respect the reasons as to why u converted to christainity. do u understand why i chose to become a free thinker? and recently declare that i'm a atheist? think... have u even asked? have u respected my decision to be who i am? U wanted to share, U wanted me to benefit from what U have benefitted. i understand perfectly, & i'm grateful, trust me i am very very grateful to u for wanting to share the special moments that u had with god. but this is where u and other christians are no different, they had wanted to share too, they try so hard to share, going around with their bibles & how the world will come to an end. how are u different from them? i'm sure they shared their special moments with god too. i do not condemn them, nor have i condemned u for ur beliefs.

what i hate, and hate to the core, is people who cannot respect why people chose to be anti christians. they think it's because of the passionate evangelising of other christians that pushes those potential "god lovers" away frm the religion... u have this stupid belief that people who don't belief in him will burn in hell. u have this stupid belief that people are born sinners & that stupid jesus saved us frm the burning depths of hell... spare me this shit. unless i burn in hell for nt being a christian & come back again to reality, i'll tell those non believers that non christianity gives u the privilege of burning in hell.

u do not understand that i cannot accept ur religion because of this simple belief that i do not accept ur bible & ur beliefs. u hold on to this belief that one day i will trod on the same path as u & try by all means and ways to tell me that atheism is a religion, fuck u....

if the last thing u want is to have ur friend try to convince u that god doesn't exist, stop doing what u think is beneficial or right for others. u do not know my life, u do not know the people i've known, u cannot understand me, u do not decide my course of action or my form of belief for me.

i'm srry i cannot understand ur life and relationship with god because i think that only schizophrenics have relationships with people that don't exist. i tried to reach out to u. i tried to read ur bible. i tried to understand ur life. u failed to understand mine.

i am a anti - christian, i am anti - christianity. get this clear. i will nt repeat again because it makes no one happier...


this is where all this ends.... i know u no more...

忍

tml we'll b getting back our pw... ok this feeling sucks... i bet when i get back my As, the feelings will be 10 times worse than this... no wait, nt 10, few hundred more times, thousand more times... ok wadever...

somehow, by learnin what is democracy & comin into contact mutated forms of democracy has made me lost faith in true democracy...
in fact, true or nt, any form of political system sucks cus even though it may be built on the basis of compassion, humans will successful distort it to fit his crazy ambitions, or to modify it till it suits his imbecile mentality...
so one way or another, we can safely come to the conclusions tt humans r dense to e extent of inventing things to harm themselves... how i love the human race so so much

and if u said today's meeting was a "discussion", i guess it was more of a persuasion which took e nice teachers a whole good few hours, narrating stories, reacting scenes, recounting events, sharing observations just to convince us of their decision was not made based solely on their own judgement but with the xco's suggestion taken into special consideration...

if u dun study maths (neither do i)
let me do the math for u
they STRESSED on 50-50% (so they can now kiss my ass)
so u haf more comm members than teachers...
let's say this is nt fair to e teachers so u multiply 1 vote of e teacher by 2 times...
so on the assumption tt e comm members can think for themselves, if the teachers r persuasive enough, they can just get a few committee members to stand on their side & they can win by majority of votes...
but apparently, to e teachers, a smaller no. of votes (of teachers) mean much more than a larger no. of votes (of comm) so no matter how much we love or hate one person & wish to kick/keep him/her out of e new comm, it is impossible... let me stress again I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E
so since u think that lesser votes can win more votes, pls dun even promise a 50-50% because it just goes to show how crap teachers can be...
furthermore, if u've already made ur decision wayyyyyy wayyyyyy before anything else, pls dun waste ur saliva by tryin ur best to convince us of e o so many reasons as to why we must keep/kick him/her as compared to what the comm previously had suggested. and pls dun repeat time & again tt e teachers have time & again seriously taken e suggestions of e comm cus e more u say it, e less convincing it sounds... so save us both. just S-H-U-T U-P.

so now, i dun really have much expectations of anything.... except to keep my key & use e cupboard as long as possible....

URGH.... PISSIFYING......

somehow i needed an explanation for myself after all that has happened....
and somehow i'm always searching for a way to die... just that i don't cut my hand & bleed to death... that's somehow too disgusting...

i tot that she would understand...
or maybe she's always been telling me that she understands me too much that i take for granted...
or maybe it's just that i didn't feel like having someone see through me at that point of time when i felt utterly crushed, jealous & irritated...

so what if my econs improved... SO WHAT? it was just a stupid subject that i managed to get a C with e sacrifice of other subjects... F for chinese?! F can u fuckingly believe me? and i'm flaunting my F around like nobody's business... dismissing it casually as i didn't study....

and i'm trying so hard nt to say i regret taking chinese... that passion doesn't mean excelling in a subject... C to others seem like nthing... it means a whole lot of shit to me...

and u just pushed me to a corner...
i cried what the fuck, i cried and u just tell me that it's just a test... i'm sorry for telling u to shut up but i mean it even till now... shut up....... pls just fuckingly shut up...

i want to tell myself not to give up....

i hate people.... i should be a loner die and decompose

somehow after all this... i can't cry.......

There r alwys things like tt.Things more impt than urself, than ur dreams. 我已忘了怎么飞翔了...

揭開自殺的哲學迷思　．林沛理

哲學的理性智慧未能解答生命之意義。我們只能用生之歡愉來克服唯心的死亡誘惑。

近日打開報紙，總看到自殺的新聞。飽受壓力的教師、與男朋友分手的少女、被家長責罵的孩子、長期失業的中年漢、發現丈夫有外遇的妻子、身患重病的老翁—在我們的城市，每天也有人嘗試結束自己生命。

法國存在主義作家卡繆(Albert Camus)說自殺是唯一真正屬於哲學範疇的問題。然而對一般人來說，自殺不是抽象的哲學課題，而是在日常生活中要面對的殘酷現實。自殺的新聞震動我們，因為它觸動我們內心深處一個時常蠢動著的可能性。

真的，只有像史賓諾沙(Spinoza)這類思想上的美學家—企圖站在生活之外，把生活當作景色來欣賞的冥想家—才會說自由的人從來不考慮死，只考慮生這種話。任何人只要誠實一點，並且對自己靈魂深處發生的事情有比較敏銳的感受能力，都大概會體驗過內心死亡天使的悸動。一個人即使多麼堅強，在他最孤單無助的一刻，也可能會想到用自殺來減輕負荷。當然，我們並非常常陷入這種可怕的「谷底經驗」(nadir experience)﹔但只要是正常人便一定會有「存在的焦慮」﹕先是不安地面對眾多選擇，然後承擔成敗未卜的疑懼，最後則是為錯誤與挫折而自責自怨。心理學家稱這種咬嚙性的小煩惱為「日常生活中的輕微心理困擾」。在這樣的處境下，自殺的念頭成為現代人思想軍火庫裡一項武器，幫助他們對抗日常經驗的一切傾軋、隔閡以及缺陷。

由此看來，自殺的傾向並非植根於病態的精神失常或錯亂，而是潛伏於最普遍的人性和生命。現代文明不但沒有舒解這種焦慮，反而處處挑釁我們的死亡本能(death instinct)。德國社會學家韋伯(Max Weber)認為，現代化的主要過程，是不斷把人類生活理性化地組織起來。誠然，資本主義社會一切講求邏輯、效率，問題是邏輯、效率背後涉及多少人性的犧牲﹖城市人變成生產機器之中一顆隨時可以更換的螺絲釘、芸芸眾生裡一張蒼白難認的臉。他們日復一日地重覆固定的生活模式，從未接觸過自己存在的根本。在這個意義上，為數不少的城市人其實早已死了，靜靜地死在自己的內心裡。自殺一族不過是以比較吵鬧的方式結束自己的生命吧﹗

在層出不窮的自殺方式中，最惹人遐想的是跳樓，不僅因為它展示了最大的決心和勇氣(是尋死的勇氣，不是求生的勇氣，如果可以這樣區分)，還由於它豐富的象徵意義。資本主義扭曲了人與土地的關係，因此從高樓(資本主義的象徵)躍下，便很有一種回歸土地、抗議資本主義的絃外之音。在《文明及其缺陷》 (Civilization And Its Discontents)一書裡，佛洛伊德指出人類每向前邁進一大步，都會造成某種損失—犧牲舊有的安全感，製造並加強新的緊張。其實每天只要翻開報章，我們都可以看到「文明及其缺陷」﹕財政預算案公布、股市創新高這些大新聞佔據著頭條和顯著的篇幅，而自殺的報道卻幾乎是自慚形穢地瑟縮在邊緣毫不起眼的一角。從這個角度看，自殺是對不斷繁榮、不斷發展的社會的微弱抗議，是城市人發出的絕望的求救信號。

歸根究底，自殺只有一個原因—絕望，而一個人絕望，往往不是為了身外物，而是對他自己。我們最後無法忍受的，不是被剝奪了的財富、地位，甚至愛情，而是那個赤條條、空蕩蕩的自己。換句話說，自殺是唯心的、非理性的、反詮釋的，最終甚至是不可解的。旁觀者和局外人只能按自己的假設提供解釋和建構意義，沒有人可以了解死者在那段頹唐孤獨歲月的心路歷程。

然而自殺始終是社會難以接受卻又無法漠視的事實。因此，知識界和傳媒總是樂此不疲地為自殺提供方便、合理的解釋，企圖用理性來駕馭、馴服死亡。自殺新聞的顛覆性也在這裡—它提醒我們人類徹徹底底，也可以說是裡裡外外，是有限的。

尼采說我們只需要一個生存的目的，就可以找到一千個求生的方法。任何人只要面對生活本身，必然也面對死亡。倘若自殺的傾向是與生俱來的死亡本能，我想我們只能用生之歡愉來克服死之誘惑。哲學家的智慧只告訴我們，面對死亡，生命毫無意義。在這同時，千萬個對這些思想一無所知的城市人自得其樂地生活下去，買車買樓、結婚生子。很明顯，生命的意義必須在普通人的生活裡尋找，而不是在人類偉大的理性裡。■

二十卷十二期 《亞洲週刊》

我不知为什到现在还是没法打开心中的结。
我不否认，我一直在寻找原谅的机会，一个复合的巧合。
像似我做错了似的。。。
你曾经尝试过，我也何曾不晓得，我也知道你不想失去一个朋友。
可能是我无法再相信你，可能是你没有诚意，我不知道。。。我真的不知道。
也许恨一个人，就是一个负担，一个不必要的负担，一个令人憎恨的负担。

我也曾经尝试过，请不要怀疑我，我没有恶意，你呢？
我是因为自私，才有这种想法吗？
也许我俩都觉得很痛苦。。
但也许这个事，是没有了结的可能性了。

我拜托你，就让我走吧....

就在那一刹那，我和你就不在有任何瓜葛，我和你就不曾相识，也不会相识，我和你就成了世界上距离最遥远的人。。。

to nurture Cedarians into women of substance & character creative, confident, & ready to lead & serve
因为有相聚. 才有分离
因为离别.才会有回忆
因为没有永恒.所以才珍惜

it's amazing isn't it... to have some place to hide whenever i'm hurt... to wallow in self pity... i would have taken time to rebut every single line of ur sentence if i had wanted to....
i don't think u saw enough to warrant u to say that...
i see people who are financially crippled.... i see my friend who is unable to study properly because her family doesn't have the financial capibility to support the basic needs... who helps these people? GOD?
who helps the people who get bombarded everyday by american troops? GOD?
who helps these people who are crippled by accident and have to stay on the hospital bed for the rest of their lives?
god wouldn't have existed w.o mankind... & mankind is basically being monopolised by the thing they created.... the bible is just lame...
i guess it's also one of the reasons why people can't trust robots...

if there is a god... then the world would be much more peaceful then it is now.... no ostracizing... no hatred...

and it all boiled down to trust.... & how u betrayed it....

i don't see forever... u might even find it funny to see me say that everything is a mistake...

geraldine.... now... u are a potential for the list....

it's amazing isn't it... so tell me now... what is god's plan?

this is so embarrassing & lame tt i don't even have the nerve to write it anywhere... shall just write here & swear tt no one shall see it
1. girl & guy can never ever maintain a simple relationship of juz friends unless of course they are homosexuals. or else things will bound to happen, rumours start, sparks fly & finally u're in trouble
2. girl & guy can never have close contact.. NEVER! OMG NO... this is urgh... i'm disgusted that i even did tt. it is damn embarrasing. but it was never my intention to flirt.... never! i'm so srry... to myself..
3. avoid a rumour @ all cost... it gives u dellusions
4. suggestions has been made for me to tone down... but that won't be me anymore.. how? my heart tells me to juz be the way i am... who should i follow?
5. so be me & be happy... it was juz a dellusion and really... who knows it might just be possible to be frens... rite? i believe so too cus really... he's a nice friend to have :)
resolved! now back to my main blog! lol

i am stupid...
crying is weak... at least for me it is.... to resort to crying to get what you want is pure weakness of the heart.
urgh... and worse is i was tearing in front of my brother and my friend...
i feel guilty for not going with faith for ocip... but something just told me not to go... this something that is so familiar before... i'm sure faith will get in... as for me, i don't plan to regret anymore since it's a choice i've made is final. why waste the effort....
am i suppose to get philosophical and rant around raving like a insane person?
here are my fears....
of being a target of lesbianism. i can't stand people being too intimate... i may act flirty but tt is only act, nothing else...
at least my sexual orientation was confirmed today.... and what did i lose? my wits...
i feel like giving up....

i don't know why....

i don't know what am i doing to myself... i don't know why am i doing this to myself... i could just write a poem abt all this crap shit and sound oh so poetic but i'll still feel the same... lost....
maybe that's why i don't connect with poems... they are vague... they're just a cover for what main idea is all abt... like u obviously IS WRITING abt this person but u just dun have to write his or her name but go one big round in writing abt him or her... den it gives u the sense of mystery... isit that fun? or nice?
everytime i'm with her, i feel freaked... more freaked out... and it's this feeling 24/7. at least when i avoided her i didn't have to really care... even if i did care. it was hidden somewhere else in the depths of my heart then should she really bleed to death, then so be it... i'll just take it that i'll have failed as a friend, as another life lost... that's all to it isn't it...
can't u feel my fear? i'm tired whenever i'm with her... her action is weird cus she does things to attract attention in the weirdest way possible... i can't stand it... then i still have to calm my friends down and tell them she IS TRYING when in truth i dun even know...they think i'm the dumb dumb one getting into this kind of business.... i think so too.. and once i live my carefree life, i have this guilt attached to me cus i know she thinks i don't care....
some ppl understand... some ppl like faith, like mr tan, julia... but what can they do? i mean seriously... what can they do? everything ultimately lies with me and the decisions i make... even if they tell me the next possible course of action, they won't feel the repercussions, they won't feel this immense guilt wranging at ur heart and make u feel as if u can't breath.... they don't know that i've on countless times felt that maybe what she is doing to herself may be right after all... LIKE WHAT THE HELL CUT THEN CUT LAR..... DO U UNDERSTAND?!! i'm just standing on this line where i can just gleefully join her and then just in the process hope i die off and then just leave a name for myself somehow.. i have on countless occasions felt like this cutting business is so fun... u tell me if this is someone in the right state of mind would do that? TELL ME?!!!!!!! i blame it on pms... but if it's not pms then why are mood swings getting so extreme? am i also another potential attention seeker? or just a depressed teenager who don't know how to live a life properly before i hurt someone again....
i am tired.... if there is a god then why am i going thru all this... i tell u religion sucks and there is no god cus why... i won't be going thru this.... the world would have been more fair....
i am near tears....

轻轻的我走了，
正如我轻轻的来；
我轻轻的招手，
作别西天的云彩。

悄悄的我走了， 　　　
正如我悄悄的来； 　　
我挥一挥衣袖， 　　　
不带走一片云彩。

好久。。。

好久没用华文了，感觉这语言突然对我很陌生。
为了自己，为了兴趣，打算苦读华文报章以及书籍，挺费力的，但不能忘本
不晓得他人现在在做什么，想什么，心里有一种说不出的牵挂
一直担心他人会把你忘了，就这样从她的心中消失的无影无踪
突然间想起一个很奇怪的问题，华语和华文到底有什么分别呢
猛翻字典查寻，但就是解不开心中的迷惑
累了，又不想去睡
真无聊
后会有期。。。

不顾一切，只要有你在心…随风

aftermath of MYEs

she blurted to me suddenly saying knowledge w/o love is useless. i pretended to be deep in thought, & acting as if i understood, i said, why do u think he's w/o love. she simply said, u don't understand.. on future enquiry, she asked me if i believed if all things on earth wld come to pass. i gave her an unconvincing yes before she went on to reiterate that therefore knowledge w/o is useless....
i guess it sort of bothered me. or maybe because my mood isn't so good after getting my first F for exams that i didn't bother to acknowledge the ppl ard me.
she's been behaving weirdly as well, kinda of like lost in her own world, and then u dun noe what to say to her. once in a while she gives a few comments during class but i didn't manage to catch what she was saying even after asking her to repeat so she gave up repeating & i gave up asking... just hope everything is alright with her
meanwhile, e.h. screamed tt she managed to pass her econs, nt that i mind but yar.. but maybe what she did was a huge contrast to what i was feeling.... oh well
i'm tired.... suddenly the thought of working in society where i can earn my keep, live independently & do whatever i want doesn't seem so attractive anymore. i dread A levels.... i feel alone especially when ppl suggest class outings cus they either go to expensive places to eat out or hang out @ cinemas to watch movies... it's just nt my style, i hate socialising & it's like what's so great bout e movies? maybe it's because i really dun feel like watching, the second reason is i can't afford to. everytime i go on outings & ppl suggest that we go some expensive eat out, i feel this immense pressure that i'm enjoying all this stuff at the expense of my parents who are working so hard. i hate this feeling so i rather stay @ home & nt do anything....
i know what i like but i don't bother to work hard on it, so i end up deproving... i like chinese, but i'm nt working hard enought on it. this sucks... haha... i need to get a life... lala.. my english is horrible as well, i can even enunciate words properly & i choke on my saliva! i can't believe it... oh well...
i shld just focus on studies & forget bout everything else. these things shld really come later, like entertaining & socialising.
i don't know what i'm writing anymore...
btw, i'm in love with detective conan, inuyasha & shaman king.. lolx... the power of anime...

it's been while

it's been a while
since i've done smthing i myself cld be proud of
since i last spoke to my closest friends
since i last touched the keys of the piano & played smthing nice
since i stepped into CEDAR
since i felt emotions taking over me
since i've thought about the philosophies of life and got depressed over it
since i felt hope
since i dreamt
since i felt like i am the past

memories and religion.... religion manipulates the mind... but which one manipulates which in reality? either be ctrling them or get ctrled by them logic? memories hold me back, like a reluctant divorcee who wishes that all this isn't true & tt she cld be reunited with her husband again. why isn't life the way ppl define? why doesn't the universe follow it's path as was described to us by those who studied it? why must we learn things simplified? complicated & then finally simplified again? why this process? why do we keep telling ppl to conserve and save the trees and yet are giving out paper booklets with the intention of "educating the public"?
why do sm ppl still believe in a euthopian society when those who had tried to create it had failed tragically?

i keep thinkin and sulking and thinkin and sulking....i need to find a better life

i feel so much better. *smiles*
i realised alot of things have been bothering me but i was
1. too tired to care
2. too pusillanimous (haha! I LEARNT A NEW WORD! it means cowardly) to face it
3. taking alot of things for granted... i've been standing at the top of the world for too long.

things bothering me
1. one thing constantly on my mind are the little things that happen in my family that makes me feel very frustrated... i realised that since that what i can't change, i shall not forcibly enforce it on others, especially on my parents.. they have their own way of thinking and own expectations, i have nt yet reached their level to understand... as for my sis, in order to change others, i should change myself... so yup... this is resolved, i shall work on it.

2. radhiah... haha... ok... i guess she's very devastated by what happened to her dad, what she wrote in her blog must have been written out of anger... after talkin to her yesterday, i guess she should be feeling better. must take note of her nick more and respond readily when she wants to talk to me online... she needs alot of support now... shall nt dish out advice readily cus it might nt be the best idea but shall encourage her to talk more to her mum... i just hope everything will turn out well for her...

3. lep committee.... weirdness but the fact that i'm nt the chairman does nt bother me as much anymore... just that what happened in lep camp make me doubt whether she is really the best leader around... wished that i was in the precious batch cus they seemed so nice and united but who knows this batch of committee members might be better :) shall focus on my job and do my best.. will ask teacher for help, lin lao shi rocks but must nt over step line... adults are afterall adults

4. am consantly stressed for no reason cus i'm nt doing anything abt my coming exams... shall juz work hard and focus... U CAN DO IT...

5. worried abt my best friend cus of what my mum told me abt her... but as long as i show enuff care and concern and do nt take her for granted, i guess i will have already done my part as a friend. keep in touch with sec sch friends constantly... just feel bad that i have nt talked to angie for a long time..

things i shall change abt myself
1. slp early
2. try nt to surf disturbing websites, they're affecting me already, curiousity kills the cat.. lolx
3. focus on studies.... entertainment comes later...
4. be aware of image.... nt everyone likes u being crazy and direct... be careful of what u say and act
5. be urself

ciao! ~ with love

i am..

i am who i am... therefore i cannot hate myself... hahahaaaaaaaa...
i need someone to counsel me... i seem to be losing control... i'm having abnormal behaviour, i get very agitated easily, when i quarrel with my mum i'll feel like i'm losing control of my emotions and will get into a mad rage.... depression?
guess must be cus i'm sleeping late.... but i'm nt revising enough... have yet to study
haha... i'm going insane...
hahahahahahah.................

i guess i have to constantly remind myself that there is someone who cares? it sounds stupid... hahaha.... so lame....
relaxs...
i just need to get a grip of myself...
if that is the only problem....
i'm started to... haha..
omg... now everything is so crazy.....

guy crazy

i think i'm going guy crazy.... nt gd....
focus focus focus on studyin...
haha... i guess it's more of a admiration den crush...
it's kinda of stupid rite... when u try everything u can to get his attention but u also try by all means to cover up ur feelings and ur actions and to make sure this crush remains anonomous
i think this is juz part of my life... like any other girls... bleahx... childish
it doens't bother me as much now... this stupid crushes if i think it as normal.... haha... guess it's the feeling of being abnormal that bothers me alot...
anyway, my gor is MARIS! haha..lame... new gor..
coincidentally the person who pissed me off was from maris also... sucks... i can't say maris ppl sucks cus my gor doesn't... haha.. he's actions is damn cute... lame guy... high I :P

insanity

the thought came and left... stupid thoughts... it's coming back again... haha... my ridiculous mind... if that could solve everything, everyone would be flying down buildings.....

i think i'm a potential schizophonic asshole... wadever u spell that, i don't really care... i'm blank... so basically my intellect now is just down to the basic functions, talk crap....

i'm blank.....

i'm blank....

i sort of know why... the questions and the answers... i know the problem, a vague solution which will work but will hurt as well... my eyes hurt from the leakage... my sis msged me to say she loved me... it stopped me from doing something ridiculous.............................................

i wonder if it's the same stuff hui asks herself as well, or maybe she has become too self absorbed in her own little timbaktu world to even care....

limit.... what is mine? haha... i think i go haywire cus of the periods.... i become damn emotional & agitated... or maybe i haf worms inside my brains...

if singing helps.... the music in the backgroud sounds more like nothing...
hahahaha......................
mankind....................

do i care?

against the odds one man will rise~ kingdom of heaven

ur soul is in ur keeping, when u stand before god u cannot say that i was told by others to do thus or that virtue was not convenient at that time. this will not suffice..

damn

bleahx..
my sis just told me i was selfish... wtf...
maybe i am so damn selfish... in fact.. i am so damn selfish...
even hui has to dedicate one sentence of her blog to selfish ppl, including me
i feel so.... sutpid... useless...f me
i hate myself... to think i rated myself so high for mslo...crap... facade facade..
i hate myself.... i'm shit i'm junk...
maybe i need somebody to wake me up... i've been at the top of the world for too long
i need to return back to reality... i need to be more humble, more aware of others' needs.
everyone's msn nick is sick
some ppl wanna bleed... some ppl wanted to kill themselves... is it just a expression? or is it for real?
this is pissing me off...
hate my sis... haix...not really.. just hated to hear this comment coming out of her mouth...
stupid..
feel so empty...
it's been like this for a while... the fact that i can't trust anyone makes it worse....
cries... alone....blue...

wad he said...

敏:RJC 翠谷很好看，去不去？
他:what r the story
敏：我们的世界
他：哦，看起来很适合你　:P
敏：... 怎么说？
他：孤寂少女
敏：欠扁　:p
他：u r always lose in this world, rn't u?
敏：会么？还好啦
他：哦......
敏: do i always look lost to u?
他：当然不是
敏：den what makes u think i'm lost? gut feeling?
他：it is alright. r u going 2 tj? tmr?
敏：how much? 8 bucks also?
他：yup, starts at 7.30pm
敏：i'll consider...i'm broke...thanks anyway :)
敏：u going huh?
他：i suppose went today, but as some reason i didn't go. sad :'(
敏：u nt going tml? get a refund or smthing
他：i won't spend $16 2 watch 1 show
敏：nt spend, like ask them whether can xchange a fri ticket for sat ticket
他：cannot lah
敏：what makes u so sure?
他：u can try if u want, & that will be ur free ticket tmr, haha, gd luck
敏：i haf senior there, i'll help u ask, i dun wanna go. u want? if u wanna go then i ask my senior, if u dun wan den i won't ask
他：thx anyway, u r always a good guy
敏：guy?!
他: i hope my gf would be same as u
敏：...........
他：i mean charac
敏：haf fun finding ur gf then, some of the schlars i know are very nice, can go find them
他:thx anyway
敏: dun stand on a ceremony
他:wad does that mean?
敏:不用客气

guess that was the end of our conversation... go figure...
i think i'll die of shame if i read this at a later date but dun care... haha.. just wanna put this here now... i'm so happy...! things are going well..! haha... life is so lovely... so cherishable..haha