sooo....

i can read ppl's thoughts? don't make me laugh, if i could, i wouldn't have been so unhappy....
been asking myself lots of questions about life, why this not that, why her not me? i realised something, life has lots of questions, but u don't always have to know the answers, do u? then why do schools want us to think? to question? if questioning brings no answers, why question? i can't leave a question hanging in mid air, i hate people who don't give me answers when i ask a question. but doesn't that happen to myself as well? don't i ask myself questions and leave them at the back of my thoughts somewhere, hoping that eventually i would find enlightment somewhere someday... i guess till this day i'm still hoping, still dreaming...
things happened today & yesterday..
it's still bothering me though...
心的无助..不是单单只句话,就能形容出来的.... 有时候,活在这世上真的很累,人类不在有如往日那么简单..写不出东西来,是累了,还是不想在把自己内心的弱小展示给别人看呢?
things to change...
1. stop saying fuck.. even in blog
2. stop getting worried that u can't communicate with that senior, i think he's diriving u nuts

i think that's abt all.. the way to be happy, is be simple.. just be u and nt be bothered with anyone else... that's the way... i feel more relaxed now adays..

praying

女友几时有 把酒问室友 不知隔壁姑娘 可有男朋友 我欲凿墙看去 又恐墙壁太厚 疼坏我的手 改用偷窥镜 屋里人已走 转楼梯 低头看 那某某 果不单身 她正挎住俊男肘 人有悲欢离合 月有阴晴圆缺 此事古来有 但愿没多久 他俩就分手 女友几时有 把酒问青天 不知告别单身 要等多少年 我欲出家而去 又恐眷恋红尘 空门不胜寒 起舞影为伴 寂寞在人间 追女孩 妄相思 夜难眠 不应有恨 何时才能把梦圆 女有黑白俊丑 男有高矮肥瘦 此事古难全 但愿人长久 光棍不再有！

haha.. copied that from my senior.. crazy stuff
btw, some changes i need to make with my life before i move on.
1. nvr switch on my hp in the morning unless in special circumstances
2. spend all breaks in the LEP room or in some dark corners of the library, unless i have to eat lunch or smthing
3. forget all rubbish that has been bothering me since that start of school and focus on sch work

i think that's about all. my senior seems to be angry... oh whatever.. went home and slept like a log... i guess i was drained out yesterday... still.. lots of hmwrk nt done, dun feel like doing, dun feel like going to sch in fact.
weilian said she and kah hui will be praying for her... it that helps, then all the best. i guess it's best to have a religion somtimes, at least u have something to distract ur mind from. better do hmwrk.. oh well.. see ya...

self mutilation

~Self-mutilation
Definition
Self-mutilation is a general term for a variety of forms of intentional self-harm without the wish to die. Cutting one's skin with razors or knives is the most common pattern of self-mutilation. Others include biting, hitting, or bruising oneself; picking or pulling at skin or hair; burning oneself with lighted cigarettes, or amputating parts of the body.

Description
The relationship of self-mutilation to suicide is still debated even though statistics show that nearly 50% of individuals who injure themselves also attempt suicide at some point in their lives. Many researchers think that suicide attempts reflect feelings of rejection or hopelessness, while self-mutilation results from feelings of shame or a
need to relieve tension.

Causes and symptoms

self-mutilation is an outlet for strong negative emotions, especially anger or shame, that the person is afraid to express in words or discuss with others.

self-mutilation represents anger at someone else directed against the self.

self-mutilation relieves unbearable tension or anxiety Many self-mutilators do report feeling relief after an episode of self-cutting or other injury.

self-mutilation is a technique for triggering the body's biochemical responses to pain. Stress and trauma release endorphins, which are the body's natural pain-killing substances
self-mutilation is a way of stopping a dissociative episode. Dissociation is a process in which the mind splits off, or dissociates, certain memories and thoughts that are too painful to keep in conscious awareness. Some people report that they feel "numb" or "dead" when they dissociate, and self-injury allows them to feel "alive."

当年的承诺,今日的遗憾

还记得很清楚,我俩初次见面,我这人一向来新的东西一向很抗拒,态度也不属于很友善的. 你当时认为我不喜欢你.当时可能是错觉,现在却可能已经是事实了.
当年的承诺呀~就因为我当日对你和对自己的承诺,才给自己的退路给搁住了.老天,你在玩弄我吗? 中二时候,朋友有了同性恋的问题,找了我帮忙,我毫无顾忌,毫不犹豫的答应了,结果成绩就直往下堕,我失控了...对情绪的操丛,掌握,我象失控的马,在无边无际的原野狂奔,狂叫...我失去了理智...自从那天起,我就不再是往日的自己了...
我不知哪来的力量,以促使自己背起这个重任.有好几个旁观者也情愿的默默和我分享负担.但渐渐的,他们因各自的理由,离她而去了
人呢？人呢？！都给我回来!为何离我而去?为何呀?我是个无辜的旁观者,我答应了自己不会在进入这种"行业"了,成绩为先,成绩为先.但我却认不住了,就和自己的良心做了个交易..想帮?行!但不准你成为这部戏的主角!
哦...那..我...我..好吧... 就这一个交易,就是这一个交易,改变了我的一生...
我看见恶梦变成了事实,在自己加以否认这事实的过程,还得决定是否要成为学生领袖或是课外活动的委员....我觉得很疲乏,精疲力尽...我开始厌倦她,厌倦南洋...
一个建立在同情基础上的友谊,是撑不起路上的风吹雨打的,就象我和吴榛的关系...我俩的性格是完全不相同,我俩的想法更有冲突,这种友谊能耐多久?
学姐和我说过,初院能给我们很大的心里变化,我听了学姐的话,做了心理准备,可是,可是....这种的心理变化根本不是我想象中的变化...我不想!
我现在又很郁闷了,我不想往前,不想退后,我不敢面对你,因为我怕自己会做出傻事,我怕你会因为我的行为而自责,在你面前我不在是自己,我不能成为自己,我很痛苦...
我对感情的表白一向很坦率,这次的反常,我不晓得自己能撑多久...

风静下来了,前面的一道墙有如天空一样高,怎么吹也吹不倒,吹不过.风累了,想休息,但怎么休息呀,风若不吹,还叫风吗?