Friday, July 22, 2005

i don't know why....

i don't know what am i doing to myself... i don't know why am i doing this to myself... i could just write a poem abt all this crap shit and sound oh so poetic but i'll still feel the same... lost....
maybe that's why i don't connect with poems... they are vague... they're just a cover for what main idea is all abt... like u obviously IS WRITING abt this person but u just dun have to write his or her name but go one big round in writing abt him or her... den it gives u the sense of mystery... isit that fun? or nice?
everytime i'm with her, i feel freaked... more freaked out... and it's this feeling 24/7. at least when i avoided her i didn't have to really care... even if i did care. it was hidden somewhere else in the depths of my heart then should she really bleed to death, then so be it... i'll just take it that i'll have failed as a friend, as another life lost... that's all to it isn't it...
can't u feel my fear? i'm tired whenever i'm with her... her action is weird cus she does things to attract attention in the weirdest way possible... i can't stand it... then i still have to calm my friends down and tell them she IS TRYING when in truth i dun even know...they think i'm the dumb dumb one getting into this kind of business.... i think so too.. and once i live my carefree life, i have this guilt attached to me cus i know she thinks i don't care....
some ppl understand... some ppl like faith, like mr tan, julia... but what can they do? i mean seriously... what can they do? everything ultimately lies with me and the decisions i make... even if they tell me the next possible course of action, they won't feel the repercussions, they won't feel this immense guilt wranging at ur heart and make u feel as if u can't breath.... they don't know that i've on countless times felt that maybe what she is doing to herself may be right after all... LIKE WHAT THE HELL CUT THEN CUT LAR..... DO U UNDERSTAND?!! i'm just standing on this line where i can just gleefully join her and then just in the process hope i die off and then just leave a name for myself somehow.. i have on countless occasions felt like this cutting business is so fun... u tell me if this is someone in the right state of mind would do that? TELL ME?!!!!!!! i blame it on pms... but if it's not pms then why are mood swings getting so extreme? am i also another potential attention seeker? or just a depressed teenager who don't know how to live a life properly before i hurt someone again....
i am tired.... if there is a god then why am i going thru all this... i tell u religion sucks and there is no god cus why... i won't be going thru this.... the world would have been more fair....
i am near tears....



Saturday, July 09, 2005




aftermath of MYEs

she blurted to me suddenly saying knowledge w/o love is useless. i pretended to be deep in thought, & acting as if i understood, i said, why do u think he's w/o love. she simply said, u don't understand.. on future enquiry, she asked me if i believed if all things on earth wld come to pass. i gave her an unconvincing yes before she went on to reiterate that therefore knowledge w/o is useless....
i guess it sort of bothered me. or maybe because my mood isn't so good after getting my first F for exams that i didn't bother to acknowledge the ppl ard me.
she's been behaving weirdly as well, kinda of like lost in her own world, and then u dun noe what to say to her. once in a while she gives a few comments during class but i didn't manage to catch what she was saying even after asking her to repeat so she gave up repeating & i gave up asking... just hope everything is alright with her
meanwhile, e.h. screamed tt she managed to pass her econs, nt that i mind but yar.. but maybe what she did was a huge contrast to what i was feeling.... oh well
i'm tired.... suddenly the thought of working in society where i can earn my keep, live independently & do whatever i want doesn't seem so attractive anymore. i dread A levels.... i feel alone especially when ppl suggest class outings cus they either go to expensive places to eat out or hang out @ cinemas to watch movies... it's just nt my style, i hate socialising & it's like what's so great bout e movies? maybe it's because i really dun feel like watching, the second reason is i can't afford to. everytime i go on outings & ppl suggest that we go some expensive eat out, i feel this immense pressure that i'm enjoying all this stuff at the expense of my parents who are working so hard. i hate this feeling so i rather stay @ home & nt do anything....
i know what i like but i don't bother to work hard on it, so i end up deproving... i like chinese, but i'm nt working hard enought on it. this sucks... haha... i need to get a life... lala.. my english is horrible as well, i can even enunciate words properly & i choke on my saliva! i can't believe it... oh well...
i shld just focus on studies & forget bout everything else. these things shld really come later, like entertaining & socialising.
i don't know what i'm writing anymore...
btw, i'm in love with detective conan, inuyasha & shaman king.. lolx... the power of anime...

Monday, July 04, 2005

it's been while

it's been a while
since i've done smthing i myself cld be proud of
since i last spoke to my closest friends
since i last touched the keys of the piano & played smthing nice
since i stepped into CEDAR
since i felt emotions taking over me
since i've thought about the philosophies of life and got depressed over it
since i felt hope
since i dreamt
since i felt like i am the past

memories and religion.... religion manipulates the mind... but which one manipulates which in reality? either be ctrling them or get ctrled by them logic? memories hold me back, like a reluctant divorcee who wishes that all this isn't true & tt she cld be reunited with her husband again. why isn't life the way ppl define? why doesn't the universe follow it's path as was described to us by those who studied it? why must we learn things simplified? complicated & then finally simplified again? why this process? why do we keep telling ppl to conserve and save the trees and yet are giving out paper booklets with the intention of "educating the public"?
why do sm ppl still believe in a euthopian society when those who had tried to create it had failed tragically?

i keep thinkin and sulking and thinkin and sulking....i need to find a better life