忍

tml we'll b getting back our pw... ok this feeling sucks... i bet when i get back my As, the feelings will be 10 times worse than this... no wait, nt 10, few hundred more times, thousand more times... ok wadever...

somehow, by learnin what is democracy & comin into contact mutated forms of democracy has made me lost faith in true democracy...
in fact, true or nt, any form of political system sucks cus even though it may be built on the basis of compassion, humans will successful distort it to fit his crazy ambitions, or to modify it till it suits his imbecile mentality...
so one way or another, we can safely come to the conclusions tt humans r dense to e extent of inventing things to harm themselves... how i love the human race so so much

and if u said today's meeting was a "discussion", i guess it was more of a persuasion which took e nice teachers a whole good few hours, narrating stories, reacting scenes, recounting events, sharing observations just to convince us of their decision was not made based solely on their own judgement but with the xco's suggestion taken into special consideration...

if u dun study maths (neither do i)
let me do the math for u
they STRESSED on 50-50% (so they can now kiss my ass)
so u haf more comm members than teachers...
let's say this is nt fair to e teachers so u multiply 1 vote of e teacher by 2 times...
so on the assumption tt e comm members can think for themselves, if the teachers r persuasive enough, they can just get a few committee members to stand on their side & they can win by majority of votes...
but apparently, to e teachers, a smaller no. of votes (of teachers) mean much more than a larger no. of votes (of comm) so no matter how much we love or hate one person & wish to kick/keep him/her out of e new comm, it is impossible... let me stress again I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E
so since u think that lesser votes can win more votes, pls dun even promise a 50-50% because it just goes to show how crap teachers can be...
furthermore, if u've already made ur decision wayyyyyy wayyyyyy before anything else, pls dun waste ur saliva by tryin ur best to convince us of e o so many reasons as to why we must keep/kick him/her as compared to what the comm previously had suggested. and pls dun repeat time & again tt e teachers have time & again seriously taken e suggestions of e comm cus e more u say it, e less convincing it sounds... so save us both. just S-H-U-T U-P.

so now, i dun really have much expectations of anything.... except to keep my key & use e cupboard as long as possible....

URGH.... PISSIFYING......

somehow i needed an explanation for myself after all that has happened....
and somehow i'm always searching for a way to die... just that i don't cut my hand & bleed to death... that's somehow too disgusting...

i tot that she would understand...
or maybe she's always been telling me that she understands me too much that i take for granted...
or maybe it's just that i didn't feel like having someone see through me at that point of time when i felt utterly crushed, jealous & irritated...

so what if my econs improved... SO WHAT? it was just a stupid subject that i managed to get a C with e sacrifice of other subjects... F for chinese?! F can u fuckingly believe me? and i'm flaunting my F around like nobody's business... dismissing it casually as i didn't study....

and i'm trying so hard nt to say i regret taking chinese... that passion doesn't mean excelling in a subject... C to others seem like nthing... it means a whole lot of shit to me...

and u just pushed me to a corner...
i cried what the fuck, i cried and u just tell me that it's just a test... i'm sorry for telling u to shut up but i mean it even till now... shut up....... pls just fuckingly shut up...

i want to tell myself not to give up....

i hate people.... i should be a loner die and decompose

somehow after all this... i can't cry.......

There r alwys things like tt.Things more impt than urself, than ur dreams. 我已忘了怎么飞翔了...

揭開自殺的哲學迷思　．林沛理

哲學的理性智慧未能解答生命之意義。我們只能用生之歡愉來克服唯心的死亡誘惑。

近日打開報紙，總看到自殺的新聞。飽受壓力的教師、與男朋友分手的少女、被家長責罵的孩子、長期失業的中年漢、發現丈夫有外遇的妻子、身患重病的老翁—在我們的城市，每天也有人嘗試結束自己生命。

法國存在主義作家卡繆(Albert Camus)說自殺是唯一真正屬於哲學範疇的問題。然而對一般人來說，自殺不是抽象的哲學課題，而是在日常生活中要面對的殘酷現實。自殺的新聞震動我們，因為它觸動我們內心深處一個時常蠢動著的可能性。

真的，只有像史賓諾沙(Spinoza)這類思想上的美學家—企圖站在生活之外，把生活當作景色來欣賞的冥想家—才會說自由的人從來不考慮死，只考慮生這種話。任何人只要誠實一點，並且對自己靈魂深處發生的事情有比較敏銳的感受能力，都大概會體驗過內心死亡天使的悸動。一個人即使多麼堅強，在他最孤單無助的一刻，也可能會想到用自殺來減輕負荷。當然，我們並非常常陷入這種可怕的「谷底經驗」(nadir experience)﹔但只要是正常人便一定會有「存在的焦慮」﹕先是不安地面對眾多選擇，然後承擔成敗未卜的疑懼，最後則是為錯誤與挫折而自責自怨。心理學家稱這種咬嚙性的小煩惱為「日常生活中的輕微心理困擾」。在這樣的處境下，自殺的念頭成為現代人思想軍火庫裡一項武器，幫助他們對抗日常經驗的一切傾軋、隔閡以及缺陷。

由此看來，自殺的傾向並非植根於病態的精神失常或錯亂，而是潛伏於最普遍的人性和生命。現代文明不但沒有舒解這種焦慮，反而處處挑釁我們的死亡本能(death instinct)。德國社會學家韋伯(Max Weber)認為，現代化的主要過程，是不斷把人類生活理性化地組織起來。誠然，資本主義社會一切講求邏輯、效率，問題是邏輯、效率背後涉及多少人性的犧牲﹖城市人變成生產機器之中一顆隨時可以更換的螺絲釘、芸芸眾生裡一張蒼白難認的臉。他們日復一日地重覆固定的生活模式，從未接觸過自己存在的根本。在這個意義上，為數不少的城市人其實早已死了，靜靜地死在自己的內心裡。自殺一族不過是以比較吵鬧的方式結束自己的生命吧﹗

在層出不窮的自殺方式中，最惹人遐想的是跳樓，不僅因為它展示了最大的決心和勇氣(是尋死的勇氣，不是求生的勇氣，如果可以這樣區分)，還由於它豐富的象徵意義。資本主義扭曲了人與土地的關係，因此從高樓(資本主義的象徵)躍下，便很有一種回歸土地、抗議資本主義的絃外之音。在《文明及其缺陷》 (Civilization And Its Discontents)一書裡，佛洛伊德指出人類每向前邁進一大步，都會造成某種損失—犧牲舊有的安全感，製造並加強新的緊張。其實每天只要翻開報章，我們都可以看到「文明及其缺陷」﹕財政預算案公布、股市創新高這些大新聞佔據著頭條和顯著的篇幅，而自殺的報道卻幾乎是自慚形穢地瑟縮在邊緣毫不起眼的一角。從這個角度看，自殺是對不斷繁榮、不斷發展的社會的微弱抗議，是城市人發出的絕望的求救信號。

歸根究底，自殺只有一個原因—絕望，而一個人絕望，往往不是為了身外物，而是對他自己。我們最後無法忍受的，不是被剝奪了的財富、地位，甚至愛情，而是那個赤條條、空蕩蕩的自己。換句話說，自殺是唯心的、非理性的、反詮釋的，最終甚至是不可解的。旁觀者和局外人只能按自己的假設提供解釋和建構意義，沒有人可以了解死者在那段頹唐孤獨歲月的心路歷程。

然而自殺始終是社會難以接受卻又無法漠視的事實。因此，知識界和傳媒總是樂此不疲地為自殺提供方便、合理的解釋，企圖用理性來駕馭、馴服死亡。自殺新聞的顛覆性也在這裡—它提醒我們人類徹徹底底，也可以說是裡裡外外，是有限的。

尼采說我們只需要一個生存的目的，就可以找到一千個求生的方法。任何人只要面對生活本身，必然也面對死亡。倘若自殺的傾向是與生俱來的死亡本能，我想我們只能用生之歡愉來克服死之誘惑。哲學家的智慧只告訴我們，面對死亡，生命毫無意義。在這同時，千萬個對這些思想一無所知的城市人自得其樂地生活下去，買車買樓、結婚生子。很明顯，生命的意義必須在普通人的生活裡尋找，而不是在人類偉大的理性裡。■

二十卷十二期 《亞洲週刊》