i don't know why....

i don't know what am i doing to myself... i don't know why am i doing this to myself... i could just write a poem abt all this crap shit and sound oh so poetic but i'll still feel the same... lost....
maybe that's why i don't connect with poems... they are vague... they're just a cover for what main idea is all abt... like u obviously IS WRITING abt this person but u just dun have to write his or her name but go one big round in writing abt him or her... den it gives u the sense of mystery... isit that fun? or nice?
everytime i'm with her, i feel freaked... more freaked out... and it's this feeling 24/7. at least when i avoided her i didn't have to really care... even if i did care. it was hidden somewhere else in the depths of my heart then should she really bleed to death, then so be it... i'll just take it that i'll have failed as a friend, as another life lost... that's all to it isn't it...
can't u feel my fear? i'm tired whenever i'm with her... her action is weird cus she does things to attract attention in the weirdest way possible... i can't stand it... then i still have to calm my friends down and tell them she IS TRYING when in truth i dun even know...they think i'm the dumb dumb one getting into this kind of business.... i think so too.. and once i live my carefree life, i have this guilt attached to me cus i know she thinks i don't care....
some ppl understand... some ppl like faith, like mr tan, julia... but what can they do? i mean seriously... what can they do? everything ultimately lies with me and the decisions i make... even if they tell me the next possible course of action, they won't feel the repercussions, they won't feel this immense guilt wranging at ur heart and make u feel as if u can't breath.... they don't know that i've on countless times felt that maybe what she is doing to herself may be right after all... LIKE WHAT THE HELL CUT THEN CUT LAR..... DO U UNDERSTAND?!! i'm just standing on this line where i can just gleefully join her and then just in the process hope i die off and then just leave a name for myself somehow.. i have on countless occasions felt like this cutting business is so fun... u tell me if this is someone in the right state of mind would do that? TELL ME?!!!!!!! i blame it on pms... but if it's not pms then why are mood swings getting so extreme? am i also another potential attention seeker? or just a depressed teenager who don't know how to live a life properly before i hurt someone again....
i am tired.... if there is a god then why am i going thru all this... i tell u religion sucks and there is no god cus why... i won't be going thru this.... the world would have been more fair....
i am near tears....

轻轻的我走了，
正如我轻轻的来；
我轻轻的招手，
作别西天的云彩。

悄悄的我走了， 　　　
正如我悄悄的来； 　　
我挥一挥衣袖， 　　　
不带走一片云彩。