Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Dead Like Me Pilot (1.1)

[The camera closes in on cubicle land, where a teenage girl with a dull expression listens to her headset.]
George: [voiceover] That's me. I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you… but I'm not. I excel at not giving a shit. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation begets disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C equals A, or… whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed.
[Cut to a guy robbing a convenience store…]
George: [voiceover] Bad people are punished by society's law.
[… only to find the police outside. Bad guy is shot dead. Cut to a woman, standing precariously on a picket fence to lure a treed cat with food.]
George: [voiceover] And good people…
Cat Woman: Who's the pretty kitty? Ooh, you are. Come on, sweetheart.
[The woman falls off the fence. Pan down to the dead woman…]
George: [voiceover] … are punished by Murphy's Law.
[… then over to the cat on the ground, eating the food. Cut back to the office.]
George: [voiceover] So you see my dilemma.

[George is laying on her bed.]
George: [voiceover] When I was little my mom told me Santa Claus didn't exist, neither did the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy or the Great Pumpkin. Even though she didn't say so specifically, I just sort of assumed that God didn't either.

[As a toilet seat from the re-entering Mir station plummets through the sky, George is awkwardly moving through a city plaza.]
George: [voiceover] They say your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the moment before you die? That might be true if you're terminally ill, or your parachute doesn't open…
[She looks up to see the fireball heading straight for her.]
George: [voiceover] … but if death sneaks up on you, the only thing you have time to think is…
George: Aw, shit.

[George, going through the 5 stages of posthumous grief, asks two mysterious people if they're angels.]
Rube: We have the unfortunate distinction of being called… Grim Reapers.
George: [voiceover] Number three… is bargaining.
George: Well… then, can you take somebody else, like, uh, uh… an old person? Or… that homeless guy? I won't tell, I promise!
[Rube looks thoughtful, then turns to Betty, who shrugs, then nods.]
Betty: Alright.
George: Really?!
Betty: No.
George: Well, I want my life back!
Betty: It's not like you were doing anything with it.
George: [voiceover] And then, there's depression.
[George turns away from them and sits down on a park bench.]
Rube: I know what might cheer you up.
George: What?
Rube: Your autopsy.
[Cut to Rube and George observing a doctor working on George's remains.]
George: [voiceover] There's something about seeing your body all empty and cold — or, in my case, in little chunks and pieces. Rube says, it's like looking at a bowl of peach cobbler you just dropped on the floor. As good as it might have been, you just don't want it anymore.

George: I don't know what was more disturbing - Being dead or the fact that the first man to touch my naked body was the coroner.

Rube: Well, you gotta stick around until your body's been laid to rest.
George: I'm meat in a Zip-Lock. How much more rest do I need?

George: So what's next? Onward and upward?
Rube: Onward not upward. No pearly gates for you, no choirs of angels neither.
George: You dick! You're sending me to hell?!
Rube: Don't flatter yourself. You're not that interesting.

George: I think for me, death was just a wake-up call.

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