it's amazing isn't it... to have some place to hide whenever i'm hurt... to wallow in self pity... i would have taken time to rebut every single line of ur sentence if i had wanted to....
i don't think u saw enough to warrant u to say that...
i see people who are financially crippled.... i see my friend who is unable to study properly because her family doesn't have the financial capibility to support the basic needs... who helps these people? GOD?
who helps the people who get bombarded everyday by american troops? GOD?
who helps these people who are crippled by accident and have to stay on the hospital bed for the rest of their lives?
god wouldn't have existed w.o mankind... & mankind is basically being monopolised by the thing they created.... the bible is just lame...
i guess it's also one of the reasons why people can't trust robots...

if there is a god... then the world would be much more peaceful then it is now.... no ostracizing... no hatred...

and it all boiled down to trust.... & how u betrayed it....

i don't see forever... u might even find it funny to see me say that everything is a mistake...

geraldine.... now... u are a potential for the list....

it's amazing isn't it... so tell me now... what is god's plan?

this is so embarrassing & lame tt i don't even have the nerve to write it anywhere... shall just write here & swear tt no one shall see it
1. girl & guy can never ever maintain a simple relationship of juz friends unless of course they are homosexuals. or else things will bound to happen, rumours start, sparks fly & finally u're in trouble
2. girl & guy can never have close contact.. NEVER! OMG NO... this is urgh... i'm disgusted that i even did tt. it is damn embarrasing. but it was never my intention to flirt.... never! i'm so srry... to myself..
3. avoid a rumour @ all cost... it gives u dellusions
4. suggestions has been made for me to tone down... but that won't be me anymore.. how? my heart tells me to juz be the way i am... who should i follow?
5. so be me & be happy... it was juz a dellusion and really... who knows it might just be possible to be frens... rite? i believe so too cus really... he's a nice friend to have :)
resolved! now back to my main blog! lol

i am stupid...
crying is weak... at least for me it is.... to resort to crying to get what you want is pure weakness of the heart.
urgh... and worse is i was tearing in front of my brother and my friend...
i feel guilty for not going with faith for ocip... but something just told me not to go... this something that is so familiar before... i'm sure faith will get in... as for me, i don't plan to regret anymore since it's a choice i've made is final. why waste the effort....
am i suppose to get philosophical and rant around raving like a insane person?
here are my fears....
of being a target of lesbianism. i can't stand people being too intimate... i may act flirty but tt is only act, nothing else...
at least my sexual orientation was confirmed today.... and what did i lose? my wits...
i feel like giving up....

i don't know why....

i don't know what am i doing to myself... i don't know why am i doing this to myself... i could just write a poem abt all this crap shit and sound oh so poetic but i'll still feel the same... lost....
maybe that's why i don't connect with poems... they are vague... they're just a cover for what main idea is all abt... like u obviously IS WRITING abt this person but u just dun have to write his or her name but go one big round in writing abt him or her... den it gives u the sense of mystery... isit that fun? or nice?
everytime i'm with her, i feel freaked... more freaked out... and it's this feeling 24/7. at least when i avoided her i didn't have to really care... even if i did care. it was hidden somewhere else in the depths of my heart then should she really bleed to death, then so be it... i'll just take it that i'll have failed as a friend, as another life lost... that's all to it isn't it...
can't u feel my fear? i'm tired whenever i'm with her... her action is weird cus she does things to attract attention in the weirdest way possible... i can't stand it... then i still have to calm my friends down and tell them she IS TRYING when in truth i dun even know...they think i'm the dumb dumb one getting into this kind of business.... i think so too.. and once i live my carefree life, i have this guilt attached to me cus i know she thinks i don't care....
some ppl understand... some ppl like faith, like mr tan, julia... but what can they do? i mean seriously... what can they do? everything ultimately lies with me and the decisions i make... even if they tell me the next possible course of action, they won't feel the repercussions, they won't feel this immense guilt wranging at ur heart and make u feel as if u can't breath.... they don't know that i've on countless times felt that maybe what she is doing to herself may be right after all... LIKE WHAT THE HELL CUT THEN CUT LAR..... DO U UNDERSTAND?!! i'm just standing on this line where i can just gleefully join her and then just in the process hope i die off and then just leave a name for myself somehow.. i have on countless occasions felt like this cutting business is so fun... u tell me if this is someone in the right state of mind would do that? TELL ME?!!!!!!! i blame it on pms... but if it's not pms then why are mood swings getting so extreme? am i also another potential attention seeker? or just a depressed teenager who don't know how to live a life properly before i hurt someone again....
i am tired.... if there is a god then why am i going thru all this... i tell u religion sucks and there is no god cus why... i won't be going thru this.... the world would have been more fair....
i am near tears....

轻轻的我走了，
正如我轻轻的来；
我轻轻的招手，
作别西天的云彩。

悄悄的我走了， 　　　
正如我悄悄的来； 　　
我挥一挥衣袖， 　　　
不带走一片云彩。

好久。。。

好久没用华文了，感觉这语言突然对我很陌生。
为了自己，为了兴趣，打算苦读华文报章以及书籍，挺费力的，但不能忘本
不晓得他人现在在做什么，想什么，心里有一种说不出的牵挂
一直担心他人会把你忘了，就这样从她的心中消失的无影无踪
突然间想起一个很奇怪的问题，华语和华文到底有什么分别呢
猛翻字典查寻，但就是解不开心中的迷惑
累了，又不想去睡
真无聊
后会有期。。。

不顾一切，只要有你在心…随风

aftermath of MYEs

she blurted to me suddenly saying knowledge w/o love is useless. i pretended to be deep in thought, & acting as if i understood, i said, why do u think he's w/o love. she simply said, u don't understand.. on future enquiry, she asked me if i believed if all things on earth wld come to pass. i gave her an unconvincing yes before she went on to reiterate that therefore knowledge w/o is useless....
i guess it sort of bothered me. or maybe because my mood isn't so good after getting my first F for exams that i didn't bother to acknowledge the ppl ard me.
she's been behaving weirdly as well, kinda of like lost in her own world, and then u dun noe what to say to her. once in a while she gives a few comments during class but i didn't manage to catch what she was saying even after asking her to repeat so she gave up repeating & i gave up asking... just hope everything is alright with her
meanwhile, e.h. screamed tt she managed to pass her econs, nt that i mind but yar.. but maybe what she did was a huge contrast to what i was feeling.... oh well
i'm tired.... suddenly the thought of working in society where i can earn my keep, live independently & do whatever i want doesn't seem so attractive anymore. i dread A levels.... i feel alone especially when ppl suggest class outings cus they either go to expensive places to eat out or hang out @ cinemas to watch movies... it's just nt my style, i hate socialising & it's like what's so great bout e movies? maybe it's because i really dun feel like watching, the second reason is i can't afford to. everytime i go on outings & ppl suggest that we go some expensive eat out, i feel this immense pressure that i'm enjoying all this stuff at the expense of my parents who are working so hard. i hate this feeling so i rather stay @ home & nt do anything....
i know what i like but i don't bother to work hard on it, so i end up deproving... i like chinese, but i'm nt working hard enought on it. this sucks... haha... i need to get a life... lala.. my english is horrible as well, i can even enunciate words properly & i choke on my saliva! i can't believe it... oh well...
i shld just focus on studies & forget bout everything else. these things shld really come later, like entertaining & socialising.
i don't know what i'm writing anymore...
btw, i'm in love with detective conan, inuyasha & shaman king.. lolx... the power of anime...

it's been while

it's been a while
since i've done smthing i myself cld be proud of
since i last spoke to my closest friends
since i last touched the keys of the piano & played smthing nice
since i stepped into CEDAR
since i felt emotions taking over me
since i've thought about the philosophies of life and got depressed over it
since i felt hope
since i dreamt
since i felt like i am the past

memories and religion.... religion manipulates the mind... but which one manipulates which in reality? either be ctrling them or get ctrled by them logic? memories hold me back, like a reluctant divorcee who wishes that all this isn't true & tt she cld be reunited with her husband again. why isn't life the way ppl define? why doesn't the universe follow it's path as was described to us by those who studied it? why must we learn things simplified? complicated & then finally simplified again? why this process? why do we keep telling ppl to conserve and save the trees and yet are giving out paper booklets with the intention of "educating the public"?
why do sm ppl still believe in a euthopian society when those who had tried to create it had failed tragically?

i keep thinkin and sulking and thinkin and sulking....i need to find a better life

i feel so much better. *smiles*
i realised alot of things have been bothering me but i was
1. too tired to care
2. too pusillanimous (haha! I LEARNT A NEW WORD! it means cowardly) to face it
3. taking alot of things for granted... i've been standing at the top of the world for too long.

things bothering me
1. one thing constantly on my mind are the little things that happen in my family that makes me feel very frustrated... i realised that since that what i can't change, i shall not forcibly enforce it on others, especially on my parents.. they have their own way of thinking and own expectations, i have nt yet reached their level to understand... as for my sis, in order to change others, i should change myself... so yup... this is resolved, i shall work on it.

2. radhiah... haha... ok... i guess she's very devastated by what happened to her dad, what she wrote in her blog must have been written out of anger... after talkin to her yesterday, i guess she should be feeling better. must take note of her nick more and respond readily when she wants to talk to me online... she needs alot of support now... shall nt dish out advice readily cus it might nt be the best idea but shall encourage her to talk more to her mum... i just hope everything will turn out well for her...

3. lep committee.... weirdness but the fact that i'm nt the chairman does nt bother me as much anymore... just that what happened in lep camp make me doubt whether she is really the best leader around... wished that i was in the precious batch cus they seemed so nice and united but who knows this batch of committee members might be better :) shall focus on my job and do my best.. will ask teacher for help, lin lao shi rocks but must nt over step line... adults are afterall adults

4. am consantly stressed for no reason cus i'm nt doing anything abt my coming exams... shall juz work hard and focus... U CAN DO IT...

5. worried abt my best friend cus of what my mum told me abt her... but as long as i show enuff care and concern and do nt take her for granted, i guess i will have already done my part as a friend. keep in touch with sec sch friends constantly... just feel bad that i have nt talked to angie for a long time..

things i shall change abt myself
1. slp early
2. try nt to surf disturbing websites, they're affecting me already, curiousity kills the cat.. lolx
3. focus on studies.... entertainment comes later...
4. be aware of image.... nt everyone likes u being crazy and direct... be careful of what u say and act
5. be urself

ciao! ~ with love

i am..

i am who i am... therefore i cannot hate myself... hahahaaaaaaaa...
i need someone to counsel me... i seem to be losing control... i'm having abnormal behaviour, i get very agitated easily, when i quarrel with my mum i'll feel like i'm losing control of my emotions and will get into a mad rage.... depression?
guess must be cus i'm sleeping late.... but i'm nt revising enough... have yet to study
haha... i'm going insane...
hahahahahahah.................

i guess i have to constantly remind myself that there is someone who cares? it sounds stupid... hahaha.... so lame....
relaxs...
i just need to get a grip of myself...
if that is the only problem....
i'm started to... haha..
omg... now everything is so crazy.....

guy crazy

i think i'm going guy crazy.... nt gd....
focus focus focus on studyin...
haha... i guess it's more of a admiration den crush...
it's kinda of stupid rite... when u try everything u can to get his attention but u also try by all means to cover up ur feelings and ur actions and to make sure this crush remains anonomous
i think this is juz part of my life... like any other girls... bleahx... childish
it doens't bother me as much now... this stupid crushes if i think it as normal.... haha... guess it's the feeling of being abnormal that bothers me alot...
anyway, my gor is MARIS! haha..lame... new gor..
coincidentally the person who pissed me off was from maris also... sucks... i can't say maris ppl sucks cus my gor doesn't... haha.. he's actions is damn cute... lame guy... high I :P

insanity

the thought came and left... stupid thoughts... it's coming back again... haha... my ridiculous mind... if that could solve everything, everyone would be flying down buildings.....

i think i'm a potential schizophonic asshole... wadever u spell that, i don't really care... i'm blank... so basically my intellect now is just down to the basic functions, talk crap....

i'm blank.....

i'm blank....

i sort of know why... the questions and the answers... i know the problem, a vague solution which will work but will hurt as well... my eyes hurt from the leakage... my sis msged me to say she loved me... it stopped me from doing something ridiculous.............................................

i wonder if it's the same stuff hui asks herself as well, or maybe she has become too self absorbed in her own little timbaktu world to even care....

limit.... what is mine? haha... i think i go haywire cus of the periods.... i become damn emotional & agitated... or maybe i haf worms inside my brains...

if singing helps.... the music in the backgroud sounds more like nothing...
hahahaha......................
mankind....................

do i care?

against the odds one man will rise~ kingdom of heaven

ur soul is in ur keeping, when u stand before god u cannot say that i was told by others to do thus or that virtue was not convenient at that time. this will not suffice..

damn

bleahx..
my sis just told me i was selfish... wtf...
maybe i am so damn selfish... in fact.. i am so damn selfish...
even hui has to dedicate one sentence of her blog to selfish ppl, including me
i feel so.... sutpid... useless...f me
i hate myself... to think i rated myself so high for mslo...crap... facade facade..
i hate myself.... i'm shit i'm junk...
maybe i need somebody to wake me up... i've been at the top of the world for too long
i need to return back to reality... i need to be more humble, more aware of others' needs.
everyone's msn nick is sick
some ppl wanna bleed... some ppl wanted to kill themselves... is it just a expression? or is it for real?
this is pissing me off...
hate my sis... haix...not really.. just hated to hear this comment coming out of her mouth...
stupid..
feel so empty...
it's been like this for a while... the fact that i can't trust anyone makes it worse....
cries... alone....blue...

wad he said...

敏:RJC 翠谷很好看，去不去？
他:what r the story
敏：我们的世界
他：哦，看起来很适合你　:P
敏：... 怎么说？
他：孤寂少女
敏：欠扁　:p
他：u r always lose in this world, rn't u?
敏：会么？还好啦
他：哦......
敏: do i always look lost to u?
他：当然不是
敏：den what makes u think i'm lost? gut feeling?
他：it is alright. r u going 2 tj? tmr?
敏：how much? 8 bucks also?
他：yup, starts at 7.30pm
敏：i'll consider...i'm broke...thanks anyway :)
敏：u going huh?
他：i suppose went today, but as some reason i didn't go. sad :'(
敏：u nt going tml? get a refund or smthing
他：i won't spend $16 2 watch 1 show
敏：nt spend, like ask them whether can xchange a fri ticket for sat ticket
他：cannot lah
敏：what makes u so sure?
他：u can try if u want, & that will be ur free ticket tmr, haha, gd luck
敏：i haf senior there, i'll help u ask, i dun wanna go. u want? if u wanna go then i ask my senior, if u dun wan den i won't ask
他：thx anyway, u r always a good guy
敏：guy?!
他: i hope my gf would be same as u
敏：...........
他：i mean charac
敏：haf fun finding ur gf then, some of the schlars i know are very nice, can go find them
他:thx anyway
敏: dun stand on a ceremony
他:wad does that mean?
敏:不用客气

guess that was the end of our conversation... go figure...
i think i'll die of shame if i read this at a later date but dun care... haha.. just wanna put this here now... i'm so happy...! things are going well..! haha... life is so lovely... so cherishable..haha

he's pissing me off.... we don't talk often but he's constant request that i accompany him out to watch movies, eat dinner blah blah... he's gt no life... and i dun haf time and i still dun trust him enough...
and he is SO NOT MY BOYFRIEND. he still can't get over his gf and tortures himself over this think... i still think he's a flirt though... wadever... i'm so not interested in analysing his character... he has no will to work hard, only get frustrated over BGR stuff and wasting his life away....
i'm going to block him off frm msn... i know i'm cruel but being with this kind of person doesn't get me anywhere... i really can't spend any more time eating out with him or wadever... he knows it and he's still pestering me... urgh
that's final!

she's going away

she's drifting away from me.... i don't seem to care, or maybe i'm too selfish to care.. she hasn't been in sch for a week or so.... whereas i'm too tired to return her msges... only to msg her at around midnight when she's asleep...
i've learnt not to take things to heart, learnt to let go, learnt that some things are w/i ur control, others not. i assume i can take on more challenges, yet at the back of my head my assholic inner voice tells me otherwise.
weilian is looking after her as well, burdened shared, but problem unresolved. she's becoming less open... or maybe she didn't even open up at all...
bits and pieces bits and pieces. that's all that she has told me plus some bonus here and there when i earned her trust bit by bit... it didn't get me anywhere, the picture i formed with whatever i had didn't make sense.
no one made sense of what she was doing either... as long as she remains obstinate and doesn't change her thinking, we can't help... can we?
now i have this sinking feeling that it's my fault... stupid... i need to see a physcologist as well... haha.. i need someone to anaylise my character.. DISC crap doesn't help... believe me... what they want is only the surface.. i need in depth stuff... makes sense?

sooo....

i can read ppl's thoughts? don't make me laugh, if i could, i wouldn't have been so unhappy....
been asking myself lots of questions about life, why this not that, why her not me? i realised something, life has lots of questions, but u don't always have to know the answers, do u? then why do schools want us to think? to question? if questioning brings no answers, why question? i can't leave a question hanging in mid air, i hate people who don't give me answers when i ask a question. but doesn't that happen to myself as well? don't i ask myself questions and leave them at the back of my thoughts somewhere, hoping that eventually i would find enlightment somewhere someday... i guess till this day i'm still hoping, still dreaming...
things happened today & yesterday..
it's still bothering me though...
心的无助..不是单单只句话,就能形容出来的.... 有时候,活在这世上真的很累,人类不在有如往日那么简单..写不出东西来,是累了,还是不想在把自己内心的弱小展示给别人看呢?
things to change...
1. stop saying fuck.. even in blog
2. stop getting worried that u can't communicate with that senior, i think he's diriving u nuts

i think that's abt all.. the way to be happy, is be simple.. just be u and nt be bothered with anyone else... that's the way... i feel more relaxed now adays..

praying

女友几时有 把酒问室友 不知隔壁姑娘 可有男朋友 我欲凿墙看去 又恐墙壁太厚 疼坏我的手 改用偷窥镜 屋里人已走 转楼梯 低头看 那某某 果不单身 她正挎住俊男肘 人有悲欢离合 月有阴晴圆缺 此事古来有 但愿没多久 他俩就分手 女友几时有 把酒问青天 不知告别单身 要等多少年 我欲出家而去 又恐眷恋红尘 空门不胜寒 起舞影为伴 寂寞在人间 追女孩 妄相思 夜难眠 不应有恨 何时才能把梦圆 女有黑白俊丑 男有高矮肥瘦 此事古难全 但愿人长久 光棍不再有！

haha.. copied that from my senior.. crazy stuff
btw, some changes i need to make with my life before i move on.
1. nvr switch on my hp in the morning unless in special circumstances
2. spend all breaks in the LEP room or in some dark corners of the library, unless i have to eat lunch or smthing
3. forget all rubbish that has been bothering me since that start of school and focus on sch work

i think that's about all. my senior seems to be angry... oh whatever.. went home and slept like a log... i guess i was drained out yesterday... still.. lots of hmwrk nt done, dun feel like doing, dun feel like going to sch in fact.
weilian said she and kah hui will be praying for her... it that helps, then all the best. i guess it's best to have a religion somtimes, at least u have something to distract ur mind from. better do hmwrk.. oh well.. see ya...

self mutilation

~Self-mutilation
Definition
Self-mutilation is a general term for a variety of forms of intentional self-harm without the wish to die. Cutting one's skin with razors or knives is the most common pattern of self-mutilation. Others include biting, hitting, or bruising oneself; picking or pulling at skin or hair; burning oneself with lighted cigarettes, or amputating parts of the body.

Description
The relationship of self-mutilation to suicide is still debated even though statistics show that nearly 50% of individuals who injure themselves also attempt suicide at some point in their lives. Many researchers think that suicide attempts reflect feelings of rejection or hopelessness, while self-mutilation results from feelings of shame or a
need to relieve tension.

Causes and symptoms

self-mutilation is an outlet for strong negative emotions, especially anger or shame, that the person is afraid to express in words or discuss with others.

self-mutilation represents anger at someone else directed against the self.

self-mutilation relieves unbearable tension or anxiety Many self-mutilators do report feeling relief after an episode of self-cutting or other injury.

self-mutilation is a technique for triggering the body's biochemical responses to pain. Stress and trauma release endorphins, which are the body's natural pain-killing substances
self-mutilation is a way of stopping a dissociative episode. Dissociation is a process in which the mind splits off, or dissociates, certain memories and thoughts that are too painful to keep in conscious awareness. Some people report that they feel "numb" or "dead" when they dissociate, and self-injury allows them to feel "alive."

当年的承诺,今日的遗憾

还记得很清楚,我俩初次见面,我这人一向来新的东西一向很抗拒,态度也不属于很友善的. 你当时认为我不喜欢你.当时可能是错觉,现在却可能已经是事实了.
当年的承诺呀~就因为我当日对你和对自己的承诺,才给自己的退路给搁住了.老天,你在玩弄我吗? 中二时候,朋友有了同性恋的问题,找了我帮忙,我毫无顾忌,毫不犹豫的答应了,结果成绩就直往下堕,我失控了...对情绪的操丛,掌握,我象失控的马,在无边无际的原野狂奔,狂叫...我失去了理智...自从那天起,我就不再是往日的自己了...
我不知哪来的力量,以促使自己背起这个重任.有好几个旁观者也情愿的默默和我分享负担.但渐渐的,他们因各自的理由,离她而去了
人呢？人呢？！都给我回来!为何离我而去?为何呀?我是个无辜的旁观者,我答应了自己不会在进入这种"行业"了,成绩为先,成绩为先.但我却认不住了,就和自己的良心做了个交易..想帮?行!但不准你成为这部戏的主角!
哦...那..我...我..好吧... 就这一个交易,就是这一个交易,改变了我的一生...
我看见恶梦变成了事实,在自己加以否认这事实的过程,还得决定是否要成为学生领袖或是课外活动的委员....我觉得很疲乏,精疲力尽...我开始厌倦她,厌倦南洋...
一个建立在同情基础上的友谊,是撑不起路上的风吹雨打的,就象我和吴榛的关系...我俩的性格是完全不相同,我俩的想法更有冲突,这种友谊能耐多久?
学姐和我说过,初院能给我们很大的心里变化,我听了学姐的话,做了心理准备,可是,可是....这种的心理变化根本不是我想象中的变化...我不想!
我现在又很郁闷了,我不想往前,不想退后,我不敢面对你,因为我怕自己会做出傻事,我怕你会因为我的行为而自责,在你面前我不在是自己,我不能成为自己,我很痛苦...
我对感情的表白一向很坦率,这次的反常,我不晓得自己能撑多久...

风静下来了,前面的一道墙有如天空一样高,怎么吹也吹不倒,吹不过.风累了,想休息,但怎么休息呀,风若不吹,还叫风吗?